Cutting Through The Crap

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Not Sunday, Not Column...



I wrote the following for my next Sunday column our local newspaper. I sent it in early for a little heads-up. The editor requested I write something else. So much for the liberal press, eh? On the other hand, being a liberal, it may just be that he has high literary standards...

Steam still rising from the Supreme Court’s DOMA ruling, a Republican Congressman from New Mexico trumpets his intention to introduce a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. Since he’s smart enough to know it’ll never pass (he’s in Congress!), let’s assume he’s counting on impressing potential voters or ingratiating himself on the (reportedly imminent) Day of Judgment. I choose doorstop number two, and am thinking this is how it’ll go: 
The Lord: Holy cow, Tim, what are you doing here? 
Tim Huelskamp: What? That wasn’t the rapture? 
TL: Yeah, no, see, the thing is, there seems to have been a little mistake. And before you ask, yes, I’m infallible, but once I had your ecosystem up and evolving, I butted out. Eons ago. Part of the experiment. Which, by the way… 
TH: So I’m just regular dead? And going to … But I’ve been doing your work, right there in Congress. Surely you’ve read my marriage amendment. 
TL: Ah. Okay, well, now there’s another thing, Tim. Your whole career you’ve been voting like you never heard me. The least among us. Humility. Charity. Camels and needles? Helloooo! Think I don’t notice that stuff? 
TH: Bu… but… the Bible says… 
TL: Save what’s left of your breath, Congressman. You know it’s been translated like a hundred times? Ever play telephone? And where’d you get the idea that gays were an insult to me? Are they even mentioned in Version 2.0? For that matter, when was the last time you refused a shrimp cocktail? Stuck to one fabric, stoned a kid to death for backtalk? You’re more selective than a vegan at a barbeque. 
You know, from up here you humans are pretty much the same, yet you have tons of different “word of Me” books down there. Honestly, it’s kinda weird…  
TH: I wasn’t doubting, Sir… So… 
TL: … Good choice… 
TH: … you’re really okay with homosexuals? When they’ve chosen to affront you? I’d never be one. 
TL: Right. You aren’t. Look how you’re dressed. And you’re not the judge. I am. Listen, I gave you curiosity and a fabulous universe; provided you the perfect tool to unlock its secrets. Science. Pretty generous gift if you ask me, letting you in on it all. You can spend your whole life learning, never know everything. That’s purpose. And meaning. It’s my greatest act of love, something ennobling to do with your twitter of time down there. Instead of,  y’know, rejecting the gift, hating on people … 
Here’s the thing: Your scientists already figured out sexual preference isn’t a choice. That’s right: I’m glad they evolved that way. Trust me: you need gays. Part of the fabric. Leonardo. Walt Whitman. Alan Turing. Freddy. (I rest their souls.) And Ellen,right? So funny. And good-hearted. You want to see thoroughly good beings, though, you’ll need to travel a couple million light years that-a-way. Which, frankly, is why I’m not hanging around here all that much lately. So, yeah, I love gays like I once loved you, Tim, until you started being a… Hurt them, hurt me. Could I make it any clearer? 
TH: This is… I had no idea… 
TL: Of course you didn’t. You’ve been too busy picking and choosing your truths. Six thousand years old? Really? Dinosaurs and humans together? C’mon. Sure, I let some mistakes through: hemorrhoids, cancer, polio. (Darn near blew that one. Thank Me for Jonas Salk. Jews, huh? Gotta love ‘em.) But do you think I’d have let humans be there at the same time as T. Rex? They would have lasted, like, two seconds. Show me a little respect: that’s just plain insulting. 
TH: Holy… I’m trying to… wrap my… So Pat Robertson and Mike Huckabee are wrong when they claim you use weather to message us about gays? 
TL: Oh, man. You know the difference between those two and people on street corners passing out leaflets? Pat and Mike figured out how to make millions off it. (Hope they’re enjoying it now, if you get my drift…) Look. I gave you a brain and a heart, a pair of eyes, and ears. Did you really need people like Pat Robertson to tell you what’s right? I gave you empathy. I gave you love, I gave you joy and pain, you and every one of your fellow human beings. That’s all you needed to figure it out. Feel. See. Share. It’s so obvious. You had it, Tim. You blew it. 
Oops. Time to go. Your ride’s here.

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