Lindsey Graham earned his Senate seat from his perch in the House by feigning sorrowful outrage at having been forced, forced I tell you, to prosecute President Clinton, chin fairly aquiver with the holiness of his mission and his deep love for his country, the honor of which was surely, surely I tell you, at stake in this matter that gave him a heart heavy as a bale of South Carolina cotton. He's better than you. He's better than me. He's better than all of us. And it saddens him to say it.
A member of the party of family values and Christian goodness, he's stepped up once again, riding on the righteous wings of money floated to him from casino-magnate and bankroller of the rightest people in our country, Sheldon Adelson. Why, it's only just and honorable to ban online gambling, right? Wouldn't have a thing, not a thing I tell you, to do with Shell-out Shelly, who stands to make more of his many millions. I mean, the fact that his people wrote the damn bill that Lindsey "I so love our country that it just pains me no end to take his money" Graham just introduced is merely a red-blooded America-loving freedom of the people from our bad bad government coincidence. Right?
Because Lindsey Graham would be pained in his ambiguously oriented heart if it were anything else. Pained, I tell you.
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