Overheard ...

 

Mar-a-Lago, 8/23/23 (Some words may have been mis-transcribed): 

Serial Conspirator, Unindicted Malefactor #1: “If I may suggest, Your Heinous, can you tilt your chin down just a bit more? If you’ll note in the mirror, chins three and four are still showing.” 

#PO1135809: “I make the best tilt. No one knows tilting like me. People are saying.”

SCUM #1: “Yes, Sir. Of course. We’ll just raise your collar and tighten the tie. There. See? Gone like that Iraq invasion plan. Now try turning your eyes upward. Like Nicholson in The Shining. That’ll be a perfect pose.” 

#PO1135809: “Perfect as my phone calls.” [Reaches for cheeseburger.]

SCUM #1: “More glower, too, Your Disgrace. Not just anger. Your people want menace. That ‘I’m coming after you’ vibe. They’ll eat it up. Open their wallets.”

#PO1135809: “Easy. Watch this.” [Thinks Stormy Daniels, mushrooms.]

SCUM #1: “Excellent! That’s it, Your Loudship. If there wasn’t going to be a mugshot, we’d make that one. Gold mine.”

#PO1135809: “Shirts, trading cards. Posters. NFTs. So much easier than selling steaks and vodka, hiring professors, owning casinos. Shoulda run years ago. Best sc... cashflow ever. Can you make my eyebrows flare upward?”

SCUM #2: “Here’s some gel, Your Travesty. Now, about merchandizing. Templates are ready, soon as the mugshot is released. Xi’s charging a buck-fifty for the shirts, so I’m thinking we sell for twenty-five.”

#PO1135809: “No way. Thirty-five minimum. They’ll pay anything. They think I’m God-given. If I believed in Him, I would, too.”

SCUM #2: “Thirty-five it is, Your Holeyness. Now we need a slogan. That ‘coming after you’ thing works. Proud Boys love it. Plus, it’s a double entendre that women might like.”

#PO1135809: “Who’s Double Aunt Andre? Anyway, no. Never surrender. Means whatever you want. The best words. Got Vlad’s go-ahead.”

SCUM #2: “Right you are, Miser Precedent. As always.”

#PO1135809: “Can we fit in something about the Presidential Records Act? It’s one of my favorite lies. Lines. I meant lines.”

SCUM #1: “Too wordy for a tee shirt, Empire. Maybe a poster.”

#PO1135809: “Do it. I hear I can report my own height and weight. Gonna go with six-three, two-fifteen. [SCUM #2 coughs.] Plenty of believers. They make pictures of me as Superman, y’know. [Gloms another cheeseburger.] Now about the motorcade. Secret Service, all in. Where are we with Fulton County? I want fifty cars. Flashing lights. More than Kim, MBS.”

SCUM #3: “Working on it. Fifty might not float, though, Your Warship. They’re saying thirty. Thirty-five tops.”

#PO1135809: “Not good enough. Remind them I know things. They’ll cave like loser Lindsey did. Well, maybe if they let me push the siren button...”

..................... 

Somewhere in Columbus, Ohio, couple years ago:

Vivek Ramaswamy: “I’m bored. Any ideas?”

Pal #1: “I dunno. Movie?”

VR: “Nah. Think I’ll run for President.”

Pal #1 “Wow, okay. Wow. You know you haven’t voted much, Viv. Could be a problem. But, hey, why not? You’re rich. Which party are you thinking?”

VR: “Good question. I’ve given money to both. Thing is, Democrats’ policies are complicated. I’d need to do a lot of reading, harder to fake it. Republicans, it’s simple, snappy. Buzzwords. Look at Trump. Barely political, registered Democrat. Was even pro-choice (obviously). Flipped Republican, realized fear and resentment would work. Genius. They loved the lies, ignored his past. Doesn’t even speak in actual sentences.

I haven’t voted much? BFD. I’ll say what Trump says, but smarter. Make a list, reel it off every chance I get. Maybe add a couple more. If I sound Trumpy enough, my name thing goes away.”

Pal #2 “Brilliant. How ‘bout these, just spitballin’ here: God is real. There are two genders. Human flourishing requires fossil fuels. Reverse racism is racism. An open border is no border. Parents determine the education of their children. The nuclear family is the greatest form of governance known to mankind. Capitalism lifts people up from poverty. There are three branches of the U.S. government, not four. The U.S. Constitution is the strongest guarantor of freedoms in history.”

VR: “Excellent. Little wordy, couple of them, clunky, but hits the notes. Profound-sounding. Thing is, the Constitution confuses me. Maybe leave that one out. Also, why not five branches? More punchy, get them talking. And let’s not mention fossil fuels. I don’t mind cheating or pandering, but look around...”

Pal #2: “Yeah, we get that. But if you want Republican votes and oil money, rednecks in pickups, Laura Ingraham, Alex Jones, you gotta deny climate change, no question. We can afford air conditioning. Not our problem.”

VR: “Yeah, you’re right. Let’s do it. Maybe I’ll flash my cool-guy rap skills, get the young vote. If I say Trump was the best president ever, will people ask why I’m running against him? No? Good. Okay. Now, Russian TV will be easy. How do we get on Fox?”  

.......................

Speaker’s office, today:

SINO: “Still no evidence.”

MTG: “Impeach.”

SINO: “Okay.”