Wednesday, January 10, 2024

God's Will

It’s widely accepted -- common knowledge, really -- that Trump has been chosen by God to save America. I’m not personally privy to the Patriarch’s proclivities, but I trust those Evangelical preachers who’ve assured us they’re in constant contact and know first-hand.

Preachers don’t lie. They’re not hypocrites. They’re deadly serious men and women of God and are to be believed, and not just because they want a “president” who’ll let them keep their tax breaks. Indeed, it’s been a couple thousand years since He sent anyone to save us; He must be walking to the mound, signaling to the bullpen.

To some, it’s surprising that He chose Trump, who has broken every one of the Ten Commandments, multiple times. But those were handed down a long time ago. Things change. Rules change. Maybe, tired of waiting for America to save itself via His original Choice, He looked for the person most opposite to His Son. Give that a try. It wouldn’t be the first time original hires were passed over. You know what they say about insanity.

Saving America is not a job for a humble man, and Trump is far from humble. On “Truth Social” he posted a video in the style of Paul Harvey’s (I’m that old) “God made a farmer” speech, making a solid case for the heavenly choosing of Trump. We’ll forgive the video’s few misstatements, like saying Trump loves America, attends church every Sunday, works tirelessly day and night, never resting. After all, Trump, the chosen-by, makes worse misstatements several times a day; who, then, are we to question the methods found acceptable by God, Himself? (Some readers may choose not to visit Truth Social, lest they get on some list or other, so I offer no link to the wondrous video. It’s easily found there by the willing. It’s quite something. Trump loves it.)

At the risk of spending eternity or more in Hell, I do have questions, though. Reasonable ones, based on the Bible. God knows us before we’re born, it tells us; has a plan for us all. When, therefore, did God conceive (not in the virgin-birth way, naturally) of Trump as the modern-day Messiah? Was it a pre-conception? Now, this is just me, and I’m sure God will absolve those who choose to read further; but if Trump was being groomed, as it were, for neo-saviorhood, you’d think the groomer would send him on a righteous path of preparation for such great responsibility, right?

Mysterious are the ways of God; mysteriouser still are videos made to speak for Him. But doubts can be raised about His methods, so raise them I will. Of what purpose, for example, was creating Trump to be a bone-spur faking draft dodger? The same goes for serial infidelity within three marriages: how do those episodes prepare one for saviorhood? What of his dozens of business failures? Sowing falsehoods like bread upon the waters? Refusing to pay contractors and suing them when they sought relief? Did God decide, for His second go-around, to imbue saviority with selfishness and a cold heart? Did He send the pandemic as training for crisis management? If so, how did Trump’s failure to handle it hone his future skills? Were the estimated 500,000 American deaths due to incompetence part of God’s intended learning experience? It wouldn’t have been the first time He wiped out humans to teach a lesson.

Of course, there’s that “free will” thing, a conundrum that’s challenged philosophers and religious scholars for eons. Perhaps God didn’t micromanage Trump’s pre-“presidential” behaviors at all. Maybe, busy elsewhere with the billions and billions of other galaxies He supervises, He began checking for potential saviors only recently. Circled back this way, checked it out, and said, “Oh my Me! For a tiny, meaningless speck, things there are looking Me-awful. Perhaps I should undo the whole thing? It wouldn’t make a ripple in time. Looks like an experiment gone wrong.”

But God has a sense of humor, it’s said. Why else, after all, would He have hung testicles out there in a wrinkly sac, all ridiculous and vulnerable? So, He could have thought, those people have been expecting My Son to return, but let’s shake things up. Looking for candidates, maybe He checked out those pre-gathered Jeffrey Epstein listees: “That one looks promising,” He might have said. “Oh, but he’s term-limited. How ‘bout that one? Kept his underwear on. Nah, Jewish. Never get elected. Hey, now: that guy. Only spends a minute with each girl. Not a time-waster. He’ll do fine.”

It also could be that God has given up on America and, rather than pestilence and famine, He’s sending Trump.

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