I Got Yer Peace Prize Right Here

 

One thing I have in common with Trump is avoiding the spotlight. So it was with reluctance that I divulged receiving an opinion columnist’s highest honor, The Fred’s Auto Parts and Bakery’s first-ever “Best Peace of Writing Prize.” Since the revelation, people come up to me with tears in their eyes, saying, “Sir, it’s way honorier than the Pulitzer or the Nobel assuming there’s one for writing.” 

Embossed in real-looking gold with the inscription “The Least Biased And Most Cheerful Writer Since The Invention Of Cuneiform In Mesopotamia,” the medal (it’s quite large) was accompanied by a trophy in the shape of a carburetor made to look like a biscuit. The sign on Fred’s business will now read “The Sid Schwab Fred’s Auto Parts and Bakery for Columnists Not To Be Confused With Communists.” The font will be understated and tasteful. 

I can see my birthday becoming a holiday during which banks will be closed except for bitcoin deposits, and shoppers will receive a three percent discount on auto parts and a free donut hole if they buy a dozen crullers, making them very affordable and not a hoax. Admission to national parks will be complimentary for people bringing a copy of my book. 

Because I’m not a self-promoter, I was relieved when my news was pushed to back pages by Trump receiving soccer’s first-ever, not made-up, totally legit “peace prize.” It was awarded between murders at sea and before invading South America, so it’s as deserved as anything he deserves. Like Trump, I’m six-foot-thirteen, so, rather than having to bend, we each placed our medallions over our own heads, which for sure wasn’t weird. Also so no one had time to retract the award.

Ha, ha. Nothing like cutting-edge humor to undarken days like these. Because Trump accepting a fake peace prize and heralding it like the greatest honor given to anyone anywhere ever wasn’t laughable. Or pathetic. Or like a four-year-old with a plastic light saber, telling everyone he’s Luke Skywalker. But maybe it is. Around the world, except among rightwing media, people are ridiculing him. (Trump, not the four-year-old, but who can tell the difference?) 

The accompanying trophy is seriously creepy. 

What’s unfunny and beyond despicable for a “president” of the United States or any decent human is Trump’s declaration that Somalis are “garbage.” Really, MAGA, is that what you voted for? Do you not see how he stains America? Or do you approve of such obscene racism? If not, what will you do about it?

I’ve worked with Somali personnel in operating rooms and seen the honors Somali graduates from our schools have received. They’re good people and, for what they’ve overcome to be here, admirable.

Like my parody but not parody, Trump designated his birthday a national holiday during which admission to national parks will be free. At the same time, he rescinded free entry on MLK, Jr Day and Juneteenth. His disgusting bigotry surpasses that of any US official, ever, including Orville Faubus, Strom Thurman, George Wallace, and David Duke. Garbage? It seeps, stinking, daily, from the White House. The real “Trump Derangement Syndrome” is inside his head. And the heads of people who accept it.

Marco “Me, a sycophant?” Rubio, announcing the Donald J. Trump Institute of Peace with the straightest of faces and brownest of noses, described Trump as “the greatest dealmaker in our nation’s history.” No kidding. He did. Not Jefferson’s Louisiana Purchase; not FDR’s New Deal or LBJ’s Civil Rights Act; not GHW Bush’s START treaty; definitely not Obama’s Paris Accords or Affordable Care Act or Iran nuclear agreement that Trump rescinded, eventually to bomb them. So, on what evidence? Trump’s Middle East peace deal? Ending Russia’s invasion of Ukraine? His healthcare plan? Price-lowering tariffs requiring bailouts for farmers? Which “deals,” economic, geopolitical, or otherwise, lasted more than a month or accomplished what he promised?

But don’t worry, MAGAs. Even as the country shows signs of realizing the damage Trump and his handlers are doing at home and across the seas, SCOTUS’s Subversive Six will keep Trump’s party in charge, no matter its lawless incompetence. Texas’s grievous mid-term gerrymandering is peachy, they said, because it’s "likely to succeed on the merits of its claim," reasoning that the lower court (Warning: empty your mouth of liquid) "failed to honor the presumption of legislative good faith.” Right. If there’s a state whose politicians legislate in good faith, it’s Texas.

Such fact-inverting scale-thumbing recalls the Citizens United decision in which Anthony Kennedy wrote that unlimited campaign contributions “do not create corruption or the appearance of corruption.” And John Roberts, gleefully gutting the Voting Rights Act, declaring the end of racism in the US.

Trump and his carefully chosen, ideological Justi are determined to turn our republic, one year shy of its 250th anniversary, into an authoritarian kleptocracy in which fair voting no longer exists and electoral outcomes are pre-determined by a handful of oligarchical stealers of our national treasure.

And that there is some Fred’s Auto Parts prize-worthy writing if ever there was.