Donnie Does Dallas

 

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Not long ago we agreed: Trump’s Reflecting Pool calamity was the ultimate metaphor for his “presidency.” It had it all: incompetence, cronyism, arrogance, lying, blame-avoiding, scapegoating. Now, just as it was fading from public awareness, comes the admission by his hand-picked, underqualified, overpaid purveyors of poolwater pulchritude that the failure of the coating in Trump-picked blue was entirely on them. No vandalism. Just tragic inexperience and unskilled workmanship, for which they took full responsibility. (All true.) Trump retracted his confabulation of boxcutters and razor blades, and apologized to the innocents he’d had arrested. And for lying. Offered his own money as restitution. (All false.)

But the Reflecting reflection was, applying the term Trump recently used to describe his disastrous Iran war, “small potatoes.” Last week’s Desperation in Dallas, to be known as Trumpapaloser, became the new standard, the sine qua non of metaphor. It had all the aforementioned characteristics, plus Trumpism’s trademark worshipful idolatry.

From his pulpit, Trump announced the arena was “filled to the rafters,” even as cameras showed thousands of empty seats in the upper tier. Had the ensorcelled audience turned their collective heads to see, which they didn’t because they’re believers, they’d have convinced themselves they saw it, too. He went on to prevaricate that his “convention” garnered higher TV ratings than the NFL season opener, featuring our Seahawks. Since the NFL hadn’t yet released that information, it was a pre-refuted lie. Later, data showed that his doggerel and puny show had around two million viewers, while the game garnered over twenty-five million. Whether Trump was hallucinating or lying is immaterial. Nothing he says can be believed, not a single word; yet he remains in office.

Then, with no gob left unsmacked, there came the most outrageous, reality-disconnected agglutination of words ever uttered by a Cabinet member and, likely, by any human not in a chemically-induced coma. Referring to Trump, Junior Arfkay, manager of our national institutions of health, said this: "I discovered a self-effacing man of superior intelligence, of empathy and compassion, with an encyclopedic grasp of the issues in molecular detail. And most of all … cared about transparency in government and free speech." With the possible exception of “an” and “of,” there’s not a word in that declaration that’s within a light-year of truth. It’s an aggregation of antonyms without precedent. It was like a realtor trying to sell you a house engulfed by fire, telling you it’s move-in ready.

Trump’s lies are pathological. Vance’s and those of every other Cabinet member are intentional. In Dallas, Vance out-disgusted himself. But Arfkay’s lies are so outrageous that his brainworm must have dined on the parts that kept it connected to reality; history’s most premonitory meal since The Last Supper. Trump incabinetted nothing but lying incompetents. Because democracy requires better, we are well and truly screwed.

Before addressing Trump’s even more ridiculous effluent in Dallas, let’s review the words of 18 United States Code section 597: “Whoever makes or offers to make any expenditure to any person either to vote or withhold his vote or to vote for or against any candidate, and whoever solicits, accepts, or receives any such expenditure ... shall be fined under this title and imprisoned for not more than 2 years ...” Thus, we understand that besides being economically disastrous and stupidly impossible, Trump’s promise to lavish $5000 on every adult American if Rs retain control of Congress is clearly illegal. Were he to do it, he and everyone who accepted the bribe would be subject to imprisonment.

$1.3 trillion is what it would cost, so J.D. Vance, dutifully surrendering dignity as required of every Trumpsman, said it’d be covered by the trillions Trump’s tariffs are bringing in, paying down the national debt, even as the debt just passed $40 trillion. That there’s some mathematical magic. But when has breaking US law ever been an impediment to Trump? It’s bribery, impure and simple-minded. Not to worry, though: The DOJ’s Todd Blanche is our chief law enforcer.

Trump added the proviso that the money must be spent in the US. Brilliant! Cash only, one supposes, each bill embedded with RFID, for tracking. Were it not so dangerous to have such a demented and dishonest “president” it’d be hilarious. Demanding a pledge of allegiance to the self-described “greatest president in the history of the United States,” though, telling them to “cheat like hell” when they vote, and that if they don’t vote they’ll “go to hell”? Not so hilarious.

But threats and bribes are all Trump has, now that the Supreme Court, excepting the tendentious twosome, shut down his attempt to stamp out mail-in voting; an idea, he told Sean Hannity, he got from Vladimir Putin, who knows all about fair elections, which he wins by ninety percent to ten. If Democrats retake Congress, Trump will scream fraud, and Holy Mike Johnson, after discussing it with God, will refuse to seat the newly elected. Nevertheless, until we can’t, let’s savor the SCOTUS ruling and keep hope alive.