Wednesday, October 31, 2012
I'm trying to decipher the message god sent us on the wind and rain of Sandy the Superstorm. Predictably, evangelical preachers are convinced it's god's punishment to all of us for tolerating certain sexual preferences among our brethren. Following biblical precedent, he's smiting people whose involvement in such tolerance is indeterminate; and rather than spelling it out clearly, he's wantonly destroying waterfront homes, dropping trees on heads, and rendering public transportation inoperative; sparing the casinos and wiping out poor neighborhoods. I'd take the good reverend's word for it if I were a little more convinced it made sense. Ham-handed, is the expression that comes to mind when contemplating the claim that god uses monster weather effects to make his point about sexual behavior. Not that I can entirely discount it.
The evidence suggests otherwise. Look at the reality of it. You don't have to get all symbolic to recognize that a frankenstorm is a very particular message. It's a storm, for gods sakes. It has both origins and consequences. If god is using it as his instrument, there are more obvious inferences to be drawn. For one thing, if it isn't crystal clear from the teachings of Jesus, god is a Democrat. As a criticism of the "homosexual agenda" Sandy is sort of tangential. What it is, one might conclude, is a clear commentary about ignoring the implications of climate change. If I wanted to point out climate change, I'd do something dramatic about the climate. (As opposed to making a point about homosexual behavior, where, given the obtuseness of the human mind I'd created and, being a little embarrassed about it, would do something pretty unequivocally unmistakable; something not subject to a lot of interpretation. Like making the dicks fall off of all gay men. Simultaneously. All around the world. With hidden cameras. For a guy who can do anything, that would not only be easy, but would provide zero confusion as to the point being made.)
If there's a divine message from an unprecedented storm, it's that it's an unprecedented storm. You're screwing up my planet, he's saying. Cut it out.
Not only that: he's saying something else pretty clearly, because he can't be unaware that the result of the storm would be a massive government response, at the controls of which would be the chief executive of the country most affected. That would be Barack Hussein Obama. Look, god must be saying; stop all this nonsense about ignoring the needs of the needy. Government is a good thing I created. It's there to help people. Watch how it works when the people in charge know what they're doing and are committed to doing it. Compare that to the response of the last guy on whose shoulder I tapped, to wake him the fuck up. He blew it; he made it clear what happens when government is incompetent and doesn't care. And the people you're about to put in charge? They want to cut funds for FEMA or eliminate it entirely. You think they blew my Katrina message? You ain't seen nothing yet. (Or, maybe: lo, forsooth, for thou hast not yet with thine eyes seen the works of those who wouldst ignore my me; nor hast thou felt the full wrath of a mighty and vengeful god met upon those who chose to ignore the teachings of his only begotten son, who, might I point out to you knuckleheaded imbeciles, chose not to waste his breath on the behavior of my children of the homosexual variety whom I've chosen to create across the sands of time.)
You want metaphor? god must be asking. Check out this storm and see what I think of a government that doesn't help people. You are having a problem understanding the obvious? Here it is: you screweth up my favorite planet and pretendeth not. In order to keep your ill-gotten gold, you acteth as if you oweth nothing to your fellow citizens, your country, your god. And you would rejecteth the one guy I sent you who gets it. Waketh ye up, ye headless and heartless heathens. Now. Before I smite your asses even harder.
As heaven-sent messages go, there's no degrees of separation between the storm and those conclusions. Gay people? Really? What kind of god is that obtuse?
Tomorrow's newspaper column: Bullet points for Trumpists: · Trump said he’d protect Medicare and Medicaid. His budget cu...
My upcoming newspaper column: Wow. Is there any chance on God’s green earth or in the hot brimstone of Hell that a single Republica...
My next newspaper column : “Thinking NFL players are protesting the flag is like thinking Rosa Parks was protesting public transportati...
It's as if Democrats are determined to lose. We're (they're, more precisely) gonna resurrect the bitterness of the last e...
Tomorrow's newspaper column , today: Now isn’t the time to talk about it, the White House said, and Sean Hannity agreed. They were ...