Transcript

My next newspaper column:

Item: Putin says he and Trump talk “regularly.” Your columnist has obtained a transcript, dated 6/10/18:  

Putin: Donald, is President Putin. I must congratulating you how G7.  

Trump: Thank you, Mr. President. Sergey made pictures of your instructions. I almost forgot to call Justin “weak,” though. His drawing of it wasn’t very good, I hate to tell you. But when I climbed up to my plane I got tired and it reminded me.  

Putin: Please to not forgetting again, Donald. I am not joke. But is okay. You did job it is please me. Make vorth it my vork Bookface and Tveeter make Americans say Trudeau and Macron and Merkel voman is bad guys and you smart for do it. You finish break G7 and NATO, people is cheering you in Russia like is me also.  

Trump: It’s tremendous you’re happy, Mr. President. Speaking of which, since I did so terrific, the best terrific, I didn’t even want to go to Canada till you gave me your plan which was an incredible plan, can we talk about that, what is it, kompromat now? Everyone is saying I’m getting Europe to hate America bigly and letting you do Libya your way, like we ... it’s happening really fast, because I alone could fast it. And I’m making Americans hate each other, the press, the FBI, even starting to hate democracy. Isn’t it time we …  

P: Donald, ve haff too much talking already dis. Ven I making promise I keeping, like you replace Obamacare, tax plan hurting you, release tax forms, balance budget (muffled background laughter). Don’t afraid, Donald, I making nobody care. But for sure I keeping promise. Also I giffing Kim video he show you your meeting. For now just copy, he keeps it. You not talk him murders, feed uncle dogs, politics prisoner. If reporter ask, say he talent, he great guy, people love, only do bad vhat he see his father. You stop wargame, you put someday hotel.  

T: Fantastic. I trust you big-time, Mr. President. Get me reelected, I’ll have every American trusting you, too. I love what you’re doing for the mid-terms, by the way, and the Mueller investigation. People are saying it’s totally corrupt, so whatever he’s figured out, my voters won’t believe him. Your guys are great. And it’s fantastic how you got Hannity to help. He’s yuge, the best, let me tell you.  

Unidentified voice: I’m just a patriot, glad to help. So is Rupert. And, Vlad, shall I stay on the line after Donald hangs up?  

P: Is better you calling back use red phone.  

T: Sean’s on the line? … Wait, you two have a…  

P: Not concern, Donald. Ve telling you everytink is right time, yes Sean?  

Voice: Uh … huh.  

T: Of course, yes, sorry, President Putin. We’re a fabulous team. You and me and Rocket Man (I wish I could still call him that). Speaking of which, have you decided about his nukes? It’ll be hard to make it look like I won if it looks like he keeps them. I really hate being a loser, so ....  

P: Donald, it is not matter me much. Ve know he never using nuke, all it is game. But you earning to make choice. You talk him, you say he haff, not haff, you make look inspect, is okay. Yes, no, Sean is say you genius, people believe, Russia strong no matter. For sure Kim not play you fool. You can trusting him like me. 

T: Perfect. Now, sir, before you go. Rudy is starting to be a problem…  

P: You keep. Is make me laugh. Also Pruitt, make American sick, Devos make stupid, is good, you keep also. And I keeping Meetch and Devin.  

T: Your call, Mr. President, always. You’re so strong, it’s an honor to help you. You and me, we’re …  

P: Yes, Donald, is for sure I make you strong like me. Not need vorry. I happy sharing power no problem. I am like Russia history.  

T: Hist…  

P: Donald, you relaxing. All is vorking like is charm, you big power. Now listen me, Fredovich. I watching you much snore, maybe too fat? Not good for health. Get real doctor not idiot. Ve still having vork. 

T: Okay, Mr. President Putin, I’ll … Hey, how do you know…  

P: (unintelligible)