Thursday, October 22, 2020

Where's My Laptop?

I shouldn’t waste my weekly column this close to the election, but I need help with a personal matter. From emails I receive, I know people who’d place helping me far below the lowest thing on their list; lower, even, than becoming informed about climate change. With respect, I request they stop reading. Because what follows is embarrassing.

Here’s the situation: not long ago, I found myself unable to access one of my laptop computers, of which, like most people, I have several. Hardly techno-fluent, I took it to a repair shop I stumbled upon on Evergreen Way. Maybe Casino Road. Honestly, I can’t remember. Anyhow, I left it on the counter without providing my name or asking for a receipt. Unconventional, some might say, but others have done it.

I’m hoping the owner or an employee will see this and get in touch. Or maybe someone who was in the shop when I was, or who might have seen a laptop with my personal sticker on it, sitting on a shelf there. Wherever “there” is.

As so often happens after depositing laptops containing potentially incriminating information, I didn’t go back to get it. In fact, until recent events, I’d forgotten I’d taken it in. Completely understandable. Probably because I wasn’t worried. It had that sticker; plus, I’m definitely pretty sure I didn’t give the repair person permission to share it with the FBI.

Since ill-wishers have disengaged by now, I can reveal why it’s so important to get the laptop back. Perhaps those still following along will give me a pass for taking an inculpatory computer to a random repair person, rather than someone I knew well enough to trust. I can’t argue it was prudent. Remember, though: being a liberal, I’m not as experienced with subterfuge as those who’ve stopped reading.

I’m also not a tax cheat. I need records of payments received from George Soros for the pro-communist, anti-capitalist columns I’ve written. (If you missed them, they’re archived here.) For G.S., it was couch-cushion change. For me, though, ten-thousand here, ten-thousand there starts to feel like real money. As they confirm my insider status, I’d also like to retrieve our exchanges about how to keep his involvement hidden. (It’s not plagiarism, by the way, when you quote without attribution but with permission.)

And there are recipes. They aren’t valuable, per se, but I’m creating a cookbook, so I don’t want them leaking prematurely. I recognize its controversial nature, but people are way overreacting to QAnon’s cannibalism revelations. You’d be surprised how well babies pair with a properly-aged California Cabernet.

I’m confident there’s a market for the book, because, as those who are still reading this know, there’s another nationwide cookout/fundraiser scheduled for our deep-state cabal coming up right after the election. If Trump is gone and no longer retweeting “conspiracies,” there’ll be no reason to remain secretive. Plus, it’s not as if we eat all the children we steal. Which reminds me: there are other receipts in there, too.

About the nude pictures, this is more of a warning to the repair person than a plea: I’m way past looking good in the altogether. And although it may appear to be Satanism, it totally wasn’t. Also, the drugs were one-hundred-percent legal. I wrote the prescriptions myself.

I won’t address the pedophilia. Trump just said he’s against it strongly, which explains why people admire him so much. Never mind the fact that the pedophile with whom he liked to party “hung himself” in jail: it was a bold and brave declaration. Mister Soros told me Trump is focus-group-testing taking a stand against coveting thy neighbor’s wife, too, which would further solidify his Christian base and which, ordinarily, I’d be writing about. Unlucky for me, though, the people who know my secrets aren’t the sort who commit “suicide.” It’s another reason I want the laptop back.

Probably I should have deleted Biden’s plans to murder Seal Team 6 right after he emailed them. That, and my correspondence with the president of antifa. Trump would tweet them for sure. And photos of Osama bin Laden living in my basement. Excellent tenant, BTW: pays the rent on time, doesn’t have girls over.

My other laptops are with a guy I met on Twelfth and Broadway who promised to keep them safe. I’ll recognize him if I find him. Has a Russian accent, which I noticed because I speak it some. He was with a friend he called “Rudy,” who seemed nice. 


  1. In an era that has murdered irony, this is one of your best Sid! Alexandra Petri has a new peer!

  2. And the crowd cheered, "More! More! Give us more!"

  3. Sorry Sid, been often! Until I got a software that backs up the entire computer - takes a digital image of the operating system and all installed applications that you can save on an external drive, The Cloud or DVDs.

    The features:

    It is so complete that you can install it on a brand new computer, and it's back to where you were. It's called Acronis True Image. - You can blank the name of the software and the link if ethics require.

    It can back up daily, weekly, monthly so you don't lose anything, ever. I purchased mine outright,year ago they seem to be doing subscription now, but cost is reasonable. Take a load off your mind, that it will ever happen again!


    1. Thanks, Eugene. But, uh... Satire. Sarcasm. Topical. Hunter Biden/Giuliani.

  4. Schwab Subsequent ColumnBlog

    (Sorry, couldn't resist. :-)

  5. Oh...Giuliani...Yes! Well, he was reaching for(Something?) I guess maybe: He left it in his other pants? On the other hand, lets be reasonable here, who among us men, has not lain back on a bed, in the presence of a strange, attractive, young woman (being fully clothed, including a tie and jacket)to tuck in our shirts. I do it all the time, Don't we all?

    And Hunter Biden? He had a drug problem, that got him in big trouble: but he was the head of the World Food Program that just received the Nobel Peace Prize.

    Trumps son is banned from working with charities because he stole anything he could get his hands on.


  6. "Rudy, is that a portable hard drive in your pocket, or are you just happy to see the young lady?"

    But seriously ... even if you buy Rudy's claims about the situation being completely innocent, he's still a boor. With the young lady being present, a gentleman would excuse himself from the room and go elsewhere (Like, there's a bathroom right there!) to perform the tucking-in and any comfort-related personal "adjustments".

  7. Hey, for Matt McConaughey it's sound basis for marriage.
    In Hollywood, well, it's the basis for Contact, even if she's not quite so willing? (3 different paradoxes in there, for the observant).

    1. Likely fake, but read a headline that Matt had a wet dream, and then "knew that's who he should marry".
      In the Movie "Contact", Jodie Foster was Matt's conquest, being the good Christian televangelist who represented earth to aliens.
      And,of course, Jodie is not interested in men, so, the 3; fake, fake, and, fake.
      Mythigator's the one with depth in movies and theology. Am guessing he figured them out, but, in case he didn't...

    2. Oh, okay. And with that, we leave the column itself far in the rearview mirror, where objects are, in fact, not closer than they appear.

  8. Hi, Sid! Tried to share this on facebook, but they said it was spam. What happened?

    1. Some time ago, a group of Trumpists managed to convince FB my blog was "offensive," and/or spam. After that I was posting my columns on my other blog, Surgeonsblog, and that didn't get blocked. Since then, though, I've dropped off FB and haven't posted anything for several weeks. I might come back after the election, if I haven't killed myself.

      You could copy and paste the text and refer to the source without including the actual URL. Thanks for trying.

  9. Pfffft....I know right!

    We are tree huggers. We care about renewables and sustainability.

    If we ate ALL the babies, who'd make more babies!? DUH!

  10. Dr. Schwab's satirical column makes a humorous constructive argument further exposing the insanity of the Drumpf regime. Forewarning them to stop reading effectively insured that they would read on.
    Thanks again for a great column.


Comments back, moderated. Preference given for those who stay on topic.

Popular posts