Thursday, January 12, 2012

Ham Of God

I don't doubt Tim Tebow is a nice guy, a godly guy. Seriously, I don't. After all, he reminds us of it every day, subtly, like a hammer. Yet, exactly because, shockingly unbiblical, he makes a public show of praying, he's become a hero, a paragon, to evangelicals. For lo, surely the winning football games of which he's been a part confirm the glory of god, the power of prayer, the undeniable rightness of everything in which they believe.

First and ten, sayeth the Lord.

God might ignore tens of millions of starving people around the world, or fail to answer the prayers of kids with cancer or end the ravages of epidemics, do nothing to stop wars fought in his name, but he calls one hell of a football game. For the one team, anyway. These wins are modern-day miracles, not unlike David v. Goliath.

Well, except that nothing important, no lives, no civilization is actually at stake, and that a football game is sort of small potatoes, compared to what else needs doing. Guess miracles aren't what they used to be. Something like grade inflation, I suppose. Or, maybe, god's tired of beating his head against the wall, taking a pass (as it were) on the hard stuff. I can relate: nowadays I spend much more time watching football than saving lives. Heckuva lot less stress.

Not generally one to rain on a parade of prayer, nor -- perish the thought! -- to ask obvious questions about the nature of a god who, according to the football faithful, spends time thumbing the scales for Tim Tebow while floods are drowning, droughts are starving, quakes are quashing his beloved children, I nevertheless can't help but point out something to his millions of fans. (Tebow's, that is.) I'm thinking even god doesn't have enough faith in Tebow to let him play the game on his own. So shaky is his (god's) faith in the kid that he figured he'd done all he could with the material at hand, Tebow-wise. To seal the win, he figured he had nearly to break Ben Roethlisberger's (sounds a little too Jewish, doesn't it, although the "oe" is sort of suspect) ankle and to knock their best defensive player out of the game with sickle trait (he has a plan for us all) before the ball was even snapped. Insulting, I'd call it. Nasty. A Texas-cheerleader-mom kind of move.

Now, as natural as scabies, like people cashing in on an oil smudge, R candidates are scrambling to get Tebow's endorsement (anyone doubt he'll be running for office at some point?), as his fans point to signs of the divine, god turfing us messages in a football stadium, (who needs burning bushes when you have statisticians?) like the fact that he threw for 316 yards, the same number as their quarterback's favorite Bible verse, John 3:16. You know, the one he used to wear, humbly, on his eye black for the world so see how believy he is; the one that promotes the essential untruth, the central guilt-trip of Christianity: that god so loved us that he gave his only begotten son...

Except he, uh, didn't. Dropping him in for, like, a celestial nanosecond, putting on a public dying, he knew he'd have him back in no time at all, good as new, at his side before the start of the second inning of eternity.

I never could figure how that episode constituted sacrifice by either of the two-thirds of the divinity. Unless you think neither of them knew he'd be resurrected (but surely they did, surely an event that newsworthy didn't just get sprung on them, come out of left field, so to speak), there's no way to see it except as a scam. (Tithest thou now or screw-ed thou will be.) Knowing he'd return home before the recliner cushions got cool, God "gave" his son the way Bernie Madoff gave dividends.

Compare the false claim of John 3:16 to the real flesh and blood parents who see their living, breathing kids off to war, knowing the risks, not knowing if they'll see them again... How come there's not a religion based on them???


  1. Watsa Matter Sid, couldn't find your car keys?
    Cause your about 4 years to late to the Hate-Tebo-Party...
    Cause in the REAL America, i.e. the part of the Country thats so patriotic we actually formed our own Country in order to exercise the Constitutional Right to keep and arm Bears, I mean Slaves.
    Y'see, Tebo had the gall to attend the University of Florida, which embodies the worst qualities of Al-Kaida, the PLO, Catholic Church, and the KKK.
    And in College, Tebo wore actual Bible Verses on his Eyeblack thingies, and not the ones everyone knows, cause you see em on bumperstickers, but the obscure ones, like how Chosen People like you and me have Satan in our family tree...
    Which is pretty cool when you think about it.
    Anyway, Tebo wont ever be President, cause he was born overseas, and no way America will ever vote for a foreign born Chief Exec...
    Never mind..
    But seriously, He's gotta be a RepubiKKKlan, and with SEC* Interneccine hatred the way it is, i.e. makes Jew-Arab look like Abbot-Costello, he'd be lucky to carry his native state...
    Oh yeah, isn't the Sickle Cell an example of Evil-lution? I mean if you can't wait millions of years for Scientists to figure out its the Mosquitos...


    *SEC= Southeastern Conference, Home of the 2006,2007,2008,2009,2010, and 2011 BCS Champs,

  2. Thanks for this post Sid. I have been saying much the same in the last week. :0)

    Even more interesting than the sheer unreality of a God who would give a flying... fish for a football game, however, is a point that few have made. Ben R - of the broken ankle and the rape fame - also professes a faith in God that causes him to pray about games. Unlike Tebow, however, he does it in a more Christ-like fashion. Though he doesn't quite go into a closet to do it, he also doesn't make a public spectacle of it.

    Seems like today's God prefers spectacle. Of course, yesterday's God quite evidently did as well, despite what's written in "the Good Book."

  3. 1. Multiple quarterbacks in the NFL threw for "316" yards that same day, so there.

    2. As a Catholic from Pittsburgh, God had nothing to do with the Steelers' mediocre defensive game or Tomlin getting out-coached in overtime!

    3. On the "holiness" of Tebow I refer you to the Bible passage that warns those who would outwardly put on a "show" of piety (Matthew 6:2)

    4. Vis-a-vis Tebow and other "good" things, this trite truism applies: If it seems too "good" to be true, it probably is.

    5. Whether you embrace Christianity as a soul-saving device or not-- The 'golden rule' or something like it is part of many religious traditions--and if we actually put it into practice, all the divisive political blathering would be moot (or mute).

  4. I linked to that Matthew admonition in the post, linked to the word "unbiblical." Lots of people fail to follow my links, some of which are pretty good; others are pretty funny.

  5. How is it a man can use illegal steroids...violate the law and stand there and act morally superior. Isnt that exact what most christians do now...violate the laws and stand there and act morally superior. Persecute muslims, persecute other religions, deny freedom of religion, attack muslim countries, kill muslims, violate the constitution in thousands of ways then claim their interpretation of Gods law has more validity then the lwas of man. Hypocites all.

  6. To Anonymous: God is a Catholic from Pittsburg? Well that explains everything.

  7. One of your best yet. I'm wondering how Jesus will choose if the Tebow Broncos and the New Orleans Saints end up in the Super Bowl. Shouldn't He be automatically aligned with the Saints rather than a team associated with wild horses? And, if He doesn't assist Tom Brady in kicking Tim's pious baloney ass through the uprights today, I will lose $5 in the office football pool. Have to wait until later today to see if my prayer is answered. : - )

  8. Here in Minnesota, a couple of recent headlines involve a 14-year old boy who was paralyzed from the neck down due to a hit in a hockey game, and a three-year old boy who was killed in his house by a stray bullet fired randomly out in the streets. Any god that would let those events happen, especially while fiddling around with meaningless sporting events, is not worthy of prayer of any sort. If such a god did exist, he would have nothing but contempt in my book. Since he doesn't exist, I will instead direct my contempt towards those who think it's a lovely idea to revere such a despicable being.

  9. Like Sid, it always amazes me that Jesus ignores wars, massacres, natural disasters, and innocents being killed and mutilated yet concerns himself with who wins games and how often teenagers masturbate.


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