Mixed Messages

I'm so confused. Just when I was beginning to believe the "biblical" flooding in North Carolina is because of the gay, as Pat Robertson has told us, it turns out it's because of the Israel. And this comes directer from God because it's via Michele Bachmann, who recently quit Congress to spend more time with the voices in her head:

With parts of North and South the Carolina experiencing devastating floods, former Rep. Michele Bachmann is weighing in by suggesting that the flooding is a sign of God’s wrath for President Obama’s foreign policy. “US turns its back on Israel, disasters following,” she wrote on Twitter.

But, but, what about Pat?

... Pat Robertson said on his podcast Monday morning that he has an alternate theory for why the flooding has occurred in the Palmetto State so hard, and it has to do with “the gays getting married.”

Well, damned if that quote wasn't from a satire site of which I hadn't heard. And yet, who can tell the difference? It's not as if we haven't already been warned about gay-based flooding.

So which is it? And how can we tell? And why flood South Carolina, where gay marriage is greeted as warmly as President Obama (by some, anyway) in Roseburg? Why not flood just a church that's performing a same-sex marriage? And not by busted pipes in the basement. Zap it with lightning, too. Maybe a bunch of them all at once, from clouds appearing only over them, on a really sunny day? Write it in the sky while it's happening, or rumble the words like thunder: "Take that, other-fuckers." Give us a little help, here, okay? Some things require precision clarity.

And how do you get from foreign policy to floods in South Carolina? Wouldn't opening the earth and swallowing the State Department be less ambiguous? We're not geniuses around here, big guy.

I mean, how are we supposed to decipher messages delivered in such a scatter-shot manner, and with America's most holy folk providing such differing revelations about them?

Besides, floods are so old-school. And messy. It's like if your kid talked back to you so you went to his school and set off the fire alarms. Take away the TV for a week. Geez. Who's gonna know your point? How about this: when a gay wedding is happening, heat up all the iPhones taking videos, so hot they burn a cross into the hands of each holder. This is century twenty-one, after all. It's all about social media. What the hell is going on up there, anyway? Haven't they heard?

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