Mike Fingers Us All

So Mike "Way, WAY holier than thou" Huckabee has written a book (God Loves Me But Not Likely You, Gunning for the job, Grit your teeth before reading, and Whistling past the Gravy!), which means, of course, he's running. Evidently his platform will be "Do with the Constitution as we do with the Bible: pick and choose."

If you don't agree with a court ruling, sayeth the Huckster, if you don't like a law, feel free to disobey it. This, from a guy who, presumably, would like us to pick him to upholdeth the Constitution of the United States of America. That document in which the independence and function of the judiciary is pretty deeply embedded.

Well, I suppose if he were to take the oath, he'd do it with his hand on the Bible, which, to today's Christian right, is the same as crossing your fingers behind your back. Still, it's pretty damn amazing that a person, a former governor! (because they're nothing if not sensible and coherent), who yearns to be the highest law-enforcer of the land, would actively suborn criminal behavior. Would seek votes from those who claim Barack Obama tramples the Constitution, to place him in office, based on sedition.

But look at that smile, would ya? Affable as a wrinkled suit, is Mike. While arbitrating which laws to follow, he also has a little parenting advice regarding which performers he approves, while thumping his bass (is he a hep cat, or what?) behind the odds-on favorite for the Most Despicable Human On The Planet award.

To me Mike Huckabee is the worst of the lot. Rick "It's not an IQ contest" Perry doesn't even try to hide his stupidity; Rick Santorum is an unapologetic theologue and proud homophobe, but doesn't pretend otherwise; Mitt Romney waves his willingness to say anything to any audience like a pair of clean underwear; Bobby "My god can beat up your god" Jindal is a caricature, too far gone to be taken seriously; Jeb Bush seems a little embarrassed by having to be an asshole to get the nomination. (Not gonna mention Sarah again, because who cares?) But Mike. Mike. Mike Huckabee embraces sleaze the way the La Brea tar pits embraced dinosaurs. He smiles, he jokes, he haw-haws and aw-shucks while saying the most vile things and pretending butter wouldn't melt if he sat on it. Mike Huckabee is a human Ponzi scheme. He's a nasty smiler, a deceiver, he's the Benny Hinn of presidential candidates. The America he "loves" is one of his very selective choosing, not the one that is.

That much, of course, is true of the lot of them. Mike Huckabee just does it in a way that gives me the creeps and scares the hell out of me. Choose your laws, people. It's a grab bag.

[Image source]