That's The Ticket

I, for one, welcome our new teabagger overlords.

I'm sure they'll get that this is a satirical site, only pretending to be a left wing liberal. Yeah, I mock them for what they are: America-haters, socialist Nazi terrorist Muslim-loving atheist Jews. The bastards. I loved sucking them. Suckering, I mean.

I totally believe the earth is six thousand years old. Carbon dating? Hah. Believe that, you'd believe you could get heat out of rocks. Evolution? A myth. I've been to the zoo: the animals look just the same now as they were the last damn time I was there. Seriously. I'm you. Birth certificate? Not believing it till they show it to me. Even then... If they sneaked him here from one 'a those ashrams, they sure as hell can phony up a piece of paper. Besides, Hawaiians look an awful lot like Mexicans.

So when you come for the non-Christians, know that it's not me. I'm with you, a thousand percent. Know how much I'm with you? I don't even know what percent means. It's not even English, is it? When I went to Russia that one time? It was to gather intelligence. They fell right after, you know that, right? Coincidence? Yeah, like it's coincidence that the black guy and Osama have the same middle name.

You don't need to waste your time reading the religion stuff I've written here, 'cause it's all just made up. Trying to get a rise out of those liberal atheists, so we could identify them for times like these. I got names, if you want them. And IP addresses. And I sort of thought God might believe I was serious, so He'd bring on the rapture sooner. For us good guys. And, damn right I'm capitalizing now.

Hey, I hate taxes as much as the next guy. The less you pay, the more the government gets, right? Been that way since the Romans, right after God made the heavens and earth. I'm glad you're gonna privatize social security. Those gay green checks? What's up with that anyway? Health care, too. People get sick, it's on them, not me. You know I'm a doctor, right? Never had a problem with good old American care. I can show 'em the door good as the next guy.

Speaking of which, I completely agree that being gay is a choice. Although I don't get the really tight clothes, given that they have such big, you know...

You say the debt is all Obama's fault, Democrats' fault, and I say pour sugar on me dip me like Darjeeling. If I claimed otherwise here, well, numbers are sure debatable; hell, the damn Islams invented them, didn't they? If it weren't for that Colosseum and lions thing, I'd say gimme Roman numberals any day.

Well, since you probably already know, I admit I sort of went to a kind of elite college. But I turned down a seven-year scholarship to Harvard, really, I did. And when my wife went there I bet it was only because she couldn't get in anywhere else. And one of the guys I roomed with is a preacher now. And I never wanted to be summa anyway, because to do that you gotta learn way too much. I'm a gut guy, especially in the last coupla years. Ask my wife. I say we can save a hell of a lot of money on schools if we only give them one book. And we all know which one I mean. I know where we can get them for free. See? Balancing the budget already.

So welcome. We'll have you over for dinner if you want. Burgers and fries okay? Some Bud? (The kind in a can I'm sure you knew that.) I'm already tuned to Fox NEWS, so we're good to go.

Right? We're good. Right?